In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”