[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
what’s really going on
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Come back with a warrant