[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest