[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round