I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You Might Also Like
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.