[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
How does one answer this?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.