[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Fries, not lies.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?