[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.