*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
You Might Also Like
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
tell em, edith-anne
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why