[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half