[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.