[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Cucumbers Anonymous
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one