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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Breaking news:
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese