In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
o shit
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Untitled Goose Game (2019)