@TheRolo: In California, there's just "pot" at the end of the rainbow.
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@Whatevah_Amy: If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they'll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
@ArfMeasures: [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there
@JasonLastname: How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?
@chewlongkok_: [On phone to police] Has there been a report of a pervert in the park? P: No, there hasn't. Me: oh good. [Goes back to hiding in bushes]