In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The news in a nutshell.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?