Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“TGIM!” – My liver
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.