In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.