In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.