Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
You Might Also Like
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink