In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels