In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*