in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.