In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
lot going on here, legally speaking.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall