[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you