[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My blood type is coffee.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off