[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about