being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You Might Also Like
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“Theirye’re” problem solved
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.