Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals