In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”