In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Anyone really
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.