In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
SchrĂśdinger: Nice, nice
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If youâre dating someone named Merle youâre required to call them your Merlefriend.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is freeâŚ
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Iâve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I wouldâve been a really good drug dealer.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldnât find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Ghost costume đ
[visiting America]
Me: Popeyeâs? Heâs that spinach eating health nut isnât he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
i donât think the t-rexâs arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Apparently âworking from homeâ means âdear God why canât I stop eatingâ.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[speed dating]
HER: I guess Iâm just looking for someone whoâs like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunnyâs favorite music is hip hop
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Trust me, Iâm a [*checks notes*] doctor.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]