FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The days of good grammer has went
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.