Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.