In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste