In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
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Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Chicago sounds lovely.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla