[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My teenage children choosing violence
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.