[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors