If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
seems like a niche market
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
PLOT TWIST:
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.