In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
What’s this sorcery? 😂
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff