“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I like long walks away from everyone
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No