*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
2 years later
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume