@Vodkantots: In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.
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@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.