@Vodkantots: In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.
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@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@Brampersandon_: BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
@Reverend_Scott: Superman: Only one cookie left. Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it? Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO! Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
@MondayPajamas: My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can't open my phone unless I'm eating fried chicken