[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
it’s a van. how do they not know this
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.