*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD