I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
6: are snakes just neck?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.