@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
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@MrYeager2: Wife: hey take me out tonight. Me: can it wait till tomorrow? Wife: why? Me: because tonight's not garbage night, tomorrow is
@LuvPug: I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
@Tmoney68: The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.