@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
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@amishschool: Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@InternetHippo: BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!! [crowd goes nuts] ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.