In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I need this for my side hustle.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.