niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…