Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You Might Also Like
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
The Joker was right
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them