What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dear Lord..
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.