Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
βDo not look that up on urban dictionary,β is a nice way of saying βready the eyeball bleach, because I know youβre gonna.β
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
βWant a treat?β
βIs it medicine?β
βItβs peanut butter.β
βIs it medicine?β
βYou love peanut butter!β
βANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.β
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Wife: Iβm leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pigβs party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrowβs birthday?