@Sickayduh: In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"
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@A_SternMan: [interview] Your résumé says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
@daemonic3: *wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes
@dinokitten: Dad: Why do you smell like weed? Me: How do you know what weed smells like?! Busted, mister! You're grounded for a week. Dad: Okaayy :(