@Sickayduh: In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say "I'm Shia LaBeouf"
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@man_in_radiator: My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
@NOTVIKING: chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
@Mr_Kapowski: Q: When is Santa's birthday? A: Since Santa comes once a year and he's married, Santa's birthday is December 25th